Now Everything Will Come Your Way

I don't believe in coincidences

2011-11-04T21:59:00.006-05:00

It's been a while since I've spoken of my "coincidences". It's been a while since they have really presented themselves to me but they seem to be popping up again. A couple of weeks ago I was on the train and a woman got on that I was immediately drawn to. I thought she appeared to be Peruvian. At least Native American of some sort, but specifically I imagined her to have Incan ancestors. I kept staring at her because I was so drawn to her image. I really wanted to draw her portrait. I probably made her a bit uncomfortable unfortunately. I was meanwhile doing a crossword, which I often do in the mornings on my way to work. Not long after she got on and I had been thinking about her heritage, one of the answers on my crossword was, "Peru". A few minutes later the word was, "Incan"...

Last night my roommates and I were looking up tabby cats to see if my cat Olive might be one. We discovered that this type of cat has an "M" on its forehead and Olive fit the bill. I started watching Star Trek again after they left and the next episode I watched contained a species with an "M" emblazoned on their foreheads...

Today I was at work thinking about the new chalkboard sign I would draw. Thanksgiving is coming up and I'm not a huge fan of themes so I didn't want to do anything generic. Native Americans always come to mind when thinking about Thanksgiving, but it feels so false, because we always ignore the fact that we massacred them and took over the country. I wanted to do something to honor the Native Americans and so I began looking up images at work. I even found out that November is Native American Heritage month (Too bad nobody knows or does anything about it). Just now I was working on mocking up the chalkboard on my computer while watching Star Trek. A new episode started and they began talking about a colony begun by Native Americans. Then they began talking about how they had been forcibly removed from their homeland when white men started moving into the country. In the show, they were going to have to remove the Native Americans yet again...

I don't know what these "coincidences" mean if anything at all, but I will continue to document them.

My Current Musical Local

2011-08-08T09:30:00.000-05:00

2011-07-16T10:35:00.010-05:00

I feel so odd right now. Yesterday, I was nursing a very nauseated stomach with "Less Drowsy" Dramamine...I can't imagine what the normal Dramamine must be like because this version certainly has its affects on me. I took one yesterday afternoon and by the time I got home and had dinner, I started becoming nausesated yet again. I took another Dramamine and promptly passed out at 9pm. This morning I woke up around 8:30 still a bit out of it but knowing I needed to get up and start my day anyway. I had my cup of coffee and my St. John's Wort (the combination of which always has me a bit elated and euphoric in the mornings) and now I feel awake and asleep all at the same time. It's as though my consciousness were experiencing the world through polarized lenses or window blinds. There is the undulation of clarity and complete exhaustion that continues to course through me each second. It's as though there is a wave flowing through me from head to toe with complete alertness at its peak and overwhelming drowsiness with each trough. My body is having a difficult time coping and I feel like sleeping to shake it off. That's what my body does when it needs to shake something. I can't though. I need to work.

I'm excited for the Dramamine to finally wear off tonight. This is going to be an interesting day.

2011-07-07T13:07:00.002-05:00

Science has shown us that when we think we have found the final piece to the puzzle, that in fact, it is not. We thought we were the center of the universe for years and then realized that we actually revolved around the sun, which we though was the center of our galaxy. But again that proved not to be true. Not only is that not true, but our galaxy is not even the center of the universe. Space continues to grow as we continue to learn more bout what is out there. There is currently believed to be an end somewhere to our universe, but what is outside of that? It is also widely accepted that our universe began at a certain time in point, but what happened before that? Atoms were thought the smallest particle and then we discovered electrons and protons and those were even shown to not be the smallest particles. And what are the particles that electrons are made of? After we die, the universe will continue for billions and trillions of years, but then what? Time and space proves to be infinite in either direction the more we explore. Once we have reached a perceived dead end, it isn't long befor we discover a hole.

A creator must exist apart from its creation both in terms of time and space. Leonardo could not paint the Mona Lisa before he existed, nor could he create her if he were also a part of the painting itself. The creator must exist separately from the creation. If everything is infinite in either direction for both time and space, then you can never reach a point when you are completely outside of the existence (creation). Therefore, how can there possibly be a creator?

2011-06-28T10:24:00.001-05:00

I think one of the most important things I was required to do in school happened in 6th grade reading. Every week we were to compile a list of only 5 words that we had read during the week that we didn't know the meaning to and look them up in the dictionary. I notice that not only do I do that with words, but with everything I don't understand or am unsure of. The internet makes that easy. Each day is a learning experience.

2011-05-25T21:50:00.008-05:00

I am currently watching an outrageous but very well thought out series on aliens and their involvement in the history of the earth, called "Ancient Aliens". There are 2 seasons and 15 episodes total. Sometimes they make outrageous accusations and claims without support but other times they find some very interesting connections and explanations. Anyway, one woman ( I forget her name and what she did. She was possibly an astrophysicist.) had the following to say and I liked it:

"Each step that we take makes us a little bit less special. We used to think that we were the center of the universe as humans and then we realized, 'Oh alright, well that's not true. But, we're the center of the galaxy? Well, alright, so we're like 2/3rds of the way out on a spiral arm. Well, at least our sun, you know with this... No, the sun is actually in the middle and the earth goes around it so earth isn't even the center of that system.' [Astrophysics is] a very humbling science."

2011-05-19T21:58:00.003-05:00

I'm no longer religious and no longer care, but there is still a part of me that feels a connection to it, and it's negative. I don't feel like I was actually taught to understand the verses I was reading, just how to recite them.

If I'm going to be subjected to something so intolerant, I'd at least like to know the truth.

Just Jack - Starz In Their Eyes

2011-05-13T17:01:00.000-05:00

I love this song.

New Blog

2011-04-07T08:08:00.002-05:00

I separated the art related entries from the rest the other day and moved them to my new blog. I felt it was a little too disjointed and I also felt like the art related material got in the way of me being able to just vent if I needed to. So, now this blog is back to it's normal self. Art there. Everything else here.

I'm also going to attempt posting more again. Fairly soon I will be having more time to myself again as I graduate in under a month. It's very exciting. I do need a new job though. Something that pays more. Minimum wage is not a living wage, especially when you have loans to pay off.

Crystal Castles - Knights

2011-03-18T20:44:00.001-05:00

It's been a while since I've written down what I'm thinking of late. On the way home I was listening to a new favorite band, Crystal Castles, and had a small epiphany during a song entitled, "Knights". I added a link to the Youtube video. It's the only one I could find with the right sound quality but they won't let the video be embedded.

I was thinking about the fact that the lyrics are indiscernible. They may not in fact even be real words, just sounds. I guess you could call them abstract lyrics. The words don't actually matter for this song though. Any sort of mood or emotion is completely felt and described without a concrete definition. I suddenly realized how this corresponds with my art. I am not usually interested in doing highly rendered drawings or paintings. I've always been very interested in the mark making that comes out when I stop worrying about the details and instead focus my energies on the bigger picture. What I realized was that each mark I make, each stroke, or scribble or shape, in and of themselves are abstract symbols, that perhaps alone don't mean much of anything, but when placed together and against each other suddenly means something. A great writer can whisk the reader away to some place and time where the events and experiences seem real. In the same way great art can do this as well.

I believe one reason I am so personally interested in doing the "blind" drawings is because of the abstract lines and squiggles that come out of the process. These lines, that seem haphazard and random, are nothing of the sort. In the same way that the abstract lyrics said everything they needed to say, these marks say everything they need to say as well. I do not intentionally make my marks. It's obvious when a writer tries too hard to sound profound. It's also obvious when an artist tries too hard to make a meaningful mark. Legitimate mark making happens out of an authentic process, which ignores the fact that a mark is being made. The mark is unimportant to the process, but means everything in the end.

2011-03-08T21:51:00.001-06:00

Life is busy.

Suzanne Vega - Tom's Diner

2011-01-26T22:21:00.001-06:00

Why is this song so good?

So many books, so little time

2011-01-24T17:05:00.005-06:00

I'm going to start keeping track of books and articles I read from now on and share them when I can.

Recently I've read
The man Who Tasted Shapes by Richard E. Cytowic, M.D.
This is a fascinating book about synesthesia, or the cross-wiring of the senses in the brain so to speak. Synesthesia occurs differently from person to person and is not the same even between two people with the same type of synesthesia. Examples are tasting shape, or hearing color. These are not just people who can imagine a taste as having a certain shape, rather these are people who physically experience a taste as having a shape or a sound as having color, etc. I found this book extremely fascinating.

After reading this book, I became even more interested in the brain and my brother-in-law let me borrow two neuroscience books he had. The first was called, A User's Guide to the Brain: Perception, Attention and the Four Theaters of the Brain, written by John J. Ratey. I found this to be an extremely interesting read and a very easy way for the layman to begin understanding how the brain works. Unless you are a practicing neuroscientist, it's not too interesting or beneficial to understand all of the technical lingo and this book doesn't take you down that path. I appreciated it because the overal ideas and concepts were made understandable to the average person. I also enjoyed learning about how the various senses are experienced through the brain.

The book I am currently reading is called The Mind and the Brain: Neuroplasticity and the Power of Mental Force, by Jeffrey M. Schwartz, M.D., and Sharon Begley. I have been reading this book for the past 2 to 3 months, partly because I typically only read while on the train during commutes, but also in part because this book gets a little more techical at times than the previous book. I find myself zoning out and reading entire pages, only to realize I have no clue what I just read. But, I'm forcing myself to get through the book, because when it gets interesting it gets very interesting. That we can rewire our brains and change what we believe is an important thing for science to acknowledge. Not only are there implications for medical use, but also for the betterment of humanity.

Also, today I read two articles in Scientific American Magazine, one called How Language Shapes Thought and the other titled, Think Different: How Perception Reveals Brain Differences. Both are interesting reads, though I found the one on language even more interesting. I'm going to try and find any books about the topic and read it next. If not, I would be interested in finding any books written on the neuroscience of sight and how it affects our thoughts and understanding of the world. I am also interested in the experience of seeing. Hopefully I can find something soon.

Oh and I borrowed a book from my school library called, QED: The Strange Theory of Light and Matter, by Richard P. Feynmann. It is apparently a first of four or so books on Quantum Electrodynamics. He discusses such things as reflectivity and the interactions between electrons and light. It has gotten a lot of good reviews from what I have read, so depending on how I find it I might check out the other lectures as well.

I'm in need of some clarity

2011-01-23T22:12:00.004-06:00

It's been a little while since I've felt like everything has been in line for me. The past couple of days I've had a few more of those coincidental moments that I don't actually believe to be coincidences. Does this mean things are coming back together for me? My future seems hazy and in one sense I like that, but in the other, I'd like a little bit of clarity. I don't think life should be 100% planned out and any plan made ought only to be a rough estimate. Life is much more fun when things happen spontaneously. Not only that but if one sticks to a plan too rigidly, unplanned opportunities that come your way are hard to accept simply because you've become blinded with tunnel vision. By the same token, planning is essential to life. Or perhaps having intention is a better way to put things. Having an intention and working towards fulfilling it leaves a lot more paths open and accessible. I don't know if I haven't had enough focus in my life lately or what it is that stunting me but I'd like to look at these "coincidences" I've been having as a sign that something is realigning itself in my life. I haven't had a job (other than working in the library) for 3 months now and I think it might be a large reason why I have felt a little lost. It's almost like I'm a spec of dust that is being carried around by the slightest of breezes. I need some sort of solidity to grasp hold of. I have to remind myself that it's all well and good to be open and free but too much right without enough left to balance it out isn't a good thing.

I think it's time for me to try walking again instead of flying.

Swedish Music

2011-01-22T11:15:00.007-06:00

This is a post of gratitude that goes out to the country of Sweden and to Scandinavia for their production of great music. I have loved electronic music since I was a child even though everyone around me thought I was a bit strange for thinking techno was the best thing to happen to the music world. Growing up a bit sheltered I didn't know much about electronic music other than I really liked the sound. Once I began discovering music, I began finding indie/alternative/pop/rock music that all really appealed to me. Outside of that my taste in trance music began to develop as well, but the styles never mixed. Enter Röyksopp. I would describe them as electro/indie/pop. It's the perfect combination of upbeat and mellow all at the same time. Not only is their sound amazing but they are incredibly smart individuals. Their lyrics leave many other artists to shame simply because they've actually considered their lyrics thoughtfully and not just mashed some words together in a pretentious attempt at sounding artistic. And their music videos are at the top of my list as well. Many of the music videos for other Swedish bands that I have come across also have this quirky, twisted honesty that I have really come to love. Not only do the videos provide some unique visuals but also take the lyrics a step further and spell them out for you. What I love about their videos is that they take you even further into the songs and help you to understand them on a much deeper level. I enjoy sitting down and dissecting their lyrics and then watching the music video to further understand what I couldn't already figure out.

I should note that Röyksopp is actually Norwegian. I was very surprised by the fact that I had found a band I really enjoyed from that part of the world because I had no idea that they produced music. This of course, was my American ignorance. After that I began discovering other bands that hailed from Sweden that continued to catch me off guard and excite me all at the same time. Each time I discover a new Swedish band now, I get a little giddy at the prospect that I'm going to find some new great music to listen to. On a side note, Sweden ranks as the third largest exporter of music in the world, behind the US and the UK. And simply because I've never gone through and actually listed all of the Swedish bands that I've got on my iTunes, I'm going to make a list here, in alphabetical order, of all of the ones I am aware of and enjoy listening to:

ABBA
Ace of Base
Aqua (I will admit this one with honor. I don't even care if most people think they're a joke, I love their quirky pop music.)
Björk (Iceland) Though Iceland is not part of Scandinavia, it is a part of the Nordic countries, and as it comes from a similar region, I will include her here.
Husky Rescue (Finland)
The Knife
Komeda
Lykke Li
Marching Band
Melody Club
Miike Snow
Peter Bjorn and John
Robyn
Röyksopp
Seabear (Iceland)
Sin Fang Bous (Iceland) He is the lead singer in Seabear
The Sounds

A loss for words

2011-01-13T09:47:00.004-06:00

My mind has felt devoid of anything to say lately. I've come to recognize that I think quite abstractly in my head and have difficulty translating all the images, ideas, sounds and feelings that are all rolling around inside me and creating my thoughts, and then turning them into language. I often struggle to find the right word or words to explain myself. I do think part of it has to do with thinking a bit too deeply sometimes. It's like the times when you get high and have complete conversations with yourself inside your head in the matter of seconds while talking to someone else and then begin to try and discuss with them the idea you have just had. You've already gone so deeply into the thought that you're almost not sure how you got there anymore, or how to get the listener to the same place that you are. I find myself giving up often times. There are few who can keep up with me when I am in these places and attempt to verbalize it.

I know I often think about things others never if rarely do. So, when I begin to speak any listener inevitably tunes me out for boredom, lack of understanding or simply because they think I'm weird. I suppose if I new how to better express what I think I would feel more satisfied more of the time. There are times when I am completely capable of verbalizing what I am thinking and then there are others when there seems to be a brick wall between me and my thoughts. I know they are there on the other side, but I can't see them well enough or they are so abstract that I can't make them into solid words.

Frustrating week

2010-12-03T20:02:00.004-06:00

I'm just going to pretend that this past week in Life Drawing didn't happen. I started one drawing and hated it so I scrapped it after the first day. The last three days I attempted another composition but in the end after trying to save it, I still hate it. I took pictures to put it up on here but the more I looked at it the more I didn't want to look at it anymore. So, I'm not putting it up.

These two are paintings I did this past week in Figure Painting. They are presented in the order I painted them. I've always considered circles tacky as painting surfaces, but I saw some done by Euan Uglow and I thought they were amazing. I decided to try it out and fortunately I got the perfect spot for this pose. I really enjoy the geometry of the piece. I just realized it's in the shape of a peace sign.

Where my mind comes up with seemingly impossible ideas...

2010-11-29T12:49:00.003-06:00

The art of science and the science of art are both fascinating ideas to me. I had an image the other night of a lounging figure. It was not drawn or painted photo-realistically, but was expressed (more truthfully in my opinion) abstractly through tesselate fractals. The repetition of the patterns in the fractal grew smaller and smaller and everywhere you looked, you saw the figure but even as you stood back the figure was there in an even larger view. I want to create something like this though at the moment I don't know where to begin.

Quotes for the day

2010-11-29T12:46:00.002-06:00

"Reading, after a certain age, diverts the mind too much from its creative pursuits. Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little falls into lazy habits of thinking." ~Albert Einstein

"Everything that is really great and inspiring is created by the individual who can labor in freedom." ~Albert Einstein

"Tray and penetrate with our limited means the secrets of nature and you will find that, behind all the discernible concatenations, there remains something subtle, intangible and inexplicable. Veneration for this force beyond anything that we can comprehend is my religion. To that extent I am, in point of fact, religious. Response to atheist, Alfred Kerr (Winter 1927) who after deriding ideas of God and religion at a dinner party in the home of the " ~Albert Einstein

2010-11-28T20:52:00.003-06:00

I've been more and more intrigued by paper art lately. It started when I saw a documentary on PBS about the art of origami. As a child I knew only about origami the past time, but the art is pretty amazing and the ideas people have are way beyond what I even considered a piece of paper could do.

Anyway, I'm fascinated by these artists and the way they work with paper. I stumbled across Ingrid Siliakus tonight and after looking for more of her work I came across yet more paper artists that I find very inspiring.

Oh and don't forget to watch the video about Haruki Nakamura's kinetic sculptures. I nerded out for a second.

2010-11-23T17:02:00.001-06:00

It's been a while since I saw a good music video. It's time to go exploring again.

2010-11-20T09:35:00.003-06:00

A couple of weeks ago I replied to a Craigslist Ad wanting students and other up and coming artists from the Chicago land area for their new blog. Each week they will be highlighting 2 artists and their work. I will be highlighted at some point, but I'm not sure when yet. They told me they would let me know when. They got quite a response from people, so it might be a little while yet, but nonetheless, I am hoping it will be some good exposure. The first artist goes up today and you can check it out at the Art Mark-it. And don't forget to Follow both their blog and mine! The only way the blog is a success is if people follow!

AQUA - My Mamma Said (OFFICIAL VIDEO)

2010-11-16T16:32:00.001-06:00

I love this music video. Especially the slow-mo moments. But seriously, everything about it. The composition. The color. the stoic poses. The song. Everything.

2010-11-16T11:47:00.002-06:00

I am not a fan of solidity. Of rigidity. Of exact answers and specific definitions. I find it hard to describe what I want to say because while I reject the idea of structure for every single aspect of life, I also appreciate it. I do like specific answer or detail sometimes, but on the large scale, I prefer looseness and ambiguity. Sometimes I have a hard time describing what I believe, because it's not so clearly defined. I am open to anything being reality. At any given moment there may be a right answer, a right path or a right action to take but that does not mean that the next minute, it will be the same. I constantly find myself coming across people who are afraid of change, of ambiguity, of non-solidity and it continually confuses me. Am I really that alone? By the same token, I also find others who think the way I think, so I know I'm not alone, but I do believe we are a minority. I feel like open-mindedness is the key to peace. The ability to flow freely through life without being tied down to any specifics allows one to agree with others more easily, or at least allows you to float to their side for a second to catch a glimpse of the way they see things. At least in that manner, empathy allows you to be ok with the fact that someone else is different than you. You don't have to believe what someone else believes if you don't want. But making the choice not to believe does not mean that the other person is wrong. I again feel drawn to the puzzle metaphor. A puzzle with all of its pieces that add up to create a whole. Each piece is important and no piece can do the job all by itself. And no piece is the ONLY piece. They are all equal in their own rights and if they did not exist, then neither would the whole. If every piece were the same, they would no longer fit together, or if they did, can you imagine how boring that would be? I choose to live in a world where truth and reality float freely everywhere around me and it is my choice to reach out and catch hold of whichever ones work best for me at any given moment. I like change. I like that things won't be the same tomorrow as they are today.

2010-11-11T16:42:00.000-06:00

Things will be ok.

2010-11-09T17:17:00.000-06:00

Oh and there are some big changes going to be made fairly soon. Hopefully sooner than later.

2010-11-04T11:04:00.015-05:00

I'm currently reading "White Teeth" for my Film & Society class and I came across a phrase that I found both upsetting and enlightening.

"How can our boys become men when they are never challenged like men?" p. 182

I get tired of the anger that arrises in me when I hear phrases such as this one which is just another way of proclaiming the idea that "men" act this way and "women" act that way. That a man is a sum of his actions or of his inactions, is an outdated and ignorant way of thinking and it just doesn't seem to want to go away. I wish it didn’t bother me anymore, but everywhere I go I am constantly reminded that I am a male and there are certain ways I am required to act. (If you are at all interested in gender roles and society check out “Self Made Man” by Norah Vincent.) I don't think gender roles are valid or worthwhile anymore in a world where women and men are supposed to be equal. Men no longer have to act as the defenders of the world, and to go out and hunt. Women have gained many rights over the years, but it seems to me that men remain stuck in limbo.

What I did find enlightening about the phrase, though, is the idea that men become men because as boys they were challenged in ways which will shape them into men...a light bulb went off in my head that helped me to understand why men are the way that they are. "Real men" that is. We are a product of our upbringing in a sense. Who we are is a result of every experience we have ever had. There is still a conscious choice to make changes about ourselves, though most people do not understand this and as a result, their experiences in life are perceived as the only experiences in life and they feel the need to pass them along. As a result, men tend to be rougher and meaner than their female counterparts. Though there are always exception, I have never really understood straight men and their gruffness, their rigidity, their harsh gaze and their critical judgments. But, are they this way because as the quote above suggests, they were challenged like men as boys? Do we push around, do we bully, do we harden the hearts of young boys to make them true hardcore men? Is the lack of sensitivity to the feelings and emotions of boys the problem? Boys are raised in a harsh and rigid structure with manliness as a proper outcome. Not much feeling, empathy or even a connection with their own inner self exists. These are issues that are highly focused on when raising young girls, but when it comes to boys, you don’t want to be too nice or they might grow up to be nice people…oh I’m sorry, I meant to say that they might not grow up to be real men.

Women have had their revolution. They are allowed to wear pants. They are allowed to have jobs. They are allowed to fend for themselves. They are allowed to be both men and women in a sense, though I’m not talking physically; I mean socially it is much more acceptable for a woman to take on the perceived role of a male, than it is for a male to take on the perceived role of a female. Men are in need of their own revolution...from themselves, from the social structure which has exalted them to a place of importance and stasis.

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary a male is: "an individual that produces small usually motile gametes (as spermatozoa or spermatozoids) which fertilize the eggs of a female," someone with a dick essentially. It does not say that a man is gruff; that a man is strong; that a man is smarter than a woman. That a man cannot have emotions or be sensitive. What is it about sensitivity that upsets and scares men so much? Is it because most of them as children were "challenged" in ways which caused them to harden and grow into people with such little experience in attributes like compassion, empathy, sensitivity and openness that they are afraid of such things? Is this why they belittle such emotions, attributing them to their female counterparts who are “weak”? We don't live in a world where it's dog eat dog anymore. At least we shouldn't be. Humans have developed brains capable of thinking and of knowing how others ought to be treated. I think a major problem in the world is the viewpoint that men need to act like men and women act like women. This of course is not just a fault of the men in our society. Just as in the book, Alsana is so deeply embarrassed by her “niece of shame,” many women also hold to the dividing of men and women into quite separate categories. Again as a child, I was not aware that I was supposed to act in a certain way because I was a man, until others told me that I should. I was once again, placed into a category without my say and have been forced to fight the powers that hold me there, just like they hold me in my white category, telling me I’m racist and that I have deeply ingrained hate for others who don’t look like me. I’m afraid I may not see the day when people stop defining themselves and others as black, white, tall, short, man, woman and instead just see each other as another member of the human race. No one better or worse than the other. Meanwhile, I feel completely at a loss as to how I can fix any of the problems I see around me. It is no use arguing with or screaming at another the errors of their ways, when in their minds, YOU are the one who is wrong. So instead of focusing on what everybody else tells me I am, what I believe, how I act and who I hate, I focus on knowing that I am nothing they tell me I am.

2010-10-24T21:09:00.004-05:00

I think people struggling with a belief in evolution do so because to acknowledge that we have evolved from "lower" life forms is to acknowledge that we are not special. In fact we are no different than the other animals around us. Some might have a problem with this as they care nothing about animals (or nature for that matter) and don't care to think that there is any sort of moral reason not to treat them as they wish. But, when you stop to think about it, that rat or that cockroach, hiding in the corner over there are really your cousins. To acknowledge evolution is to acknowledge that we are all related. I think some people have too hard a time with the idea that humans aren't extraordinary or that in fact it is NOT our god given right to use other life as we please.

2010-10-23T12:19:00.002-05:00

I've been extremely stressed and overworked the past couple of months. Since the beginning of the summer semester really. I pushed it for too long and my mind started falling apart as a result. Fortunately I talked to my boss and I'm going to work less hours in hopes that I can regain my sanity and find time to do my school work which has been suffering as a result of my lack of time. I don't like that one aspect of being an adult is being constantly on the go. At least in western culture. I need to find a balance for myself, because this is not the way I want to live the rest of my life. By any means. So, now that I have taken a step back and allowed myself to reassess what is going on around me.

I tried starting my self portrait that I was going to do for my Life Drawing midterm a couple of weeks ago and it was already starting out as a failure. I couldn't figure out what exactly I wanted or ought to be doing. it felt contrived and it wasn't coming out the way I wanted it to. I stopped and scrapped that one.

Then a couple of nights ago, the night that I decided to make a change in my life, I suddenly knew what it was that I wanted to do. I realized recently that I really enjoy the complection of people with red hair. Their skin tends to be a milky purpley, pinkish color with nice blue and green shadows. I love all of the colors. The other night I saw Jill (my roommate who has red hair) staring at her computer and the blue light reflecting up on her face reflected all of these amazing colors.

So, I'm going to draw her because I want to explore those colors. The other aspect that I'm going to explore more finally is the idea of drawing without the aid of my glasses or contacts. It becomes even more impressionistic because depending on how close I am, it becomes only about the color value and shape. Even the shape is devoid of edges when I have my glasses off. So, I'm going to do one drawing with my glasses and one without. I can't decide which I should do first though. Should I do the blurred one first so that I don't have the other drawing (which I saw so much detail in) to taint the way I observe her? I think this might be a good way to go about it because I could use the blurred drawing as a way to better understand the more developed drawing. Or, should I do the more developed drawing first to help me understand the blurred one? Or should I do 4 pieces, one where I go both ways to see how they affected each other? I will of course have to use 2 separate poses in this case so that they don't interfere with each other. It's like a scientific experiment I guess. You can't always look at something in one way, or your results will be biased and unusable.

2010-10-12T12:48:00.005-05:00

A little more than a year ago I was at home watching "Ace of Cakes" thinking to myself how much better those cake would be had I made them. I was quite over my job at Paper Source and realized I needed a new job, but one that would allow me to be creative and enjoy myself. I decided when I got back that I would try finding a job where I could help decorate cakes. The next week I met Nicole and I started working part time for truffle truffle. Cakes they are not, but confections are close enough in my books. I never got to do anything quite as creative as designing a cake until very recently when we did a wedding event for brides. Lindsey and I designed and built a truffle cake. Everybody at the event loved it and wanted to know how much something like it would cost, but I told them it was just for display. Since the event, a few brides have emailed asking more questions about the cakes and it looks like if we can figure out the logistics of the whole thing, Lindsey and I could be designing and putting together truffle cakes for brides.

Isn't that what I wanted just a little over a year ago? The universe doesn't answer when you want to be anwered, and it doesn't always answer in the way you expected.

But it does answer.

2010-09-24T19:23:00.010-05:00

I need a new camera ASAP. I don't know what's wrong with mine, but it has started adding a lot of noise into my pictures. They look very grainy and I hate it. I was going to wait until Christmas, but I may get it sooner if it keeps it up. I need to take pictures of my work and I don't like this grainy effect it's causing.

The first couple of weeks in Figure Painting we focused on hands, which for me was scary. Hands have always given me problems. In the long run I had a lot of fun though and besides that it's good for me to work on something that gives me problems. I will never get better at it unless I practice. The pictures are listed in the order that I painted them. I started out working a full week on the first hand/arm and I hate it. I spent way too much time attempting to render it. It makes me a little sick. From there I started working faster and reacted more immediately to what I was observing. I finished my second hand in a day and since we still had a few days left I decided to paint my hands. We had to paint 2 hands outside of class as homework, but since I painted so quickly Mrs. Lopez said I could use the extra hands I did in class as my hw. The third one is probably my favorite overall. I painted it in the last 5 minutes of class. Though the 3rd is the best overall hand,the 4th hand definitely has the best color. Unfortunately its proportions are extremely off, or it would be the best of any of them. The color is exactly what I want to continue to achieve in my paintings and drawings.

This next drawing is the latest piece I finished in my LFD 401 class. I'm very pleased with the color, though her upper back is a bit weak in terms of its form. I'm actually going to attempt to frame this piece by myself tomorrow. I've never framed an entire piece before but I think I should be able to do it no problem.

This piece is the product of one days work. It's not the finished piece though because I forgot to take the final picture when I had completed it. I only worked one more day on the pose. I wanted to work extremely loose with this one. I loved the pose she chose having her arm over her head. The angles in the piece screamed at me to shift my viewpoint, so I angled my easle so that the horizon didn't run horizontally across the page. The first picture is what it looks like if the paper is turned horizontally and the second picture is of how I think it should actually be viewed. I might mat it that way as well. When I get my piece back from Mr. Cosnowski I will take a picture and upload it, so think of this as a teaser.
The 301's that are in my Drawing class are focusing on feet this week so Monday we did feet studies. I didn't need to do them but since our model was only posing for about 10 minutes each time I decided I should do some feet studies as well. Especially since feet also give me problems. We're also working on feet in my figure painting class. I think it's good that I'm being forced to work on these issues that I otherwise ignore. These are just some sketches I did.

2010-09-17T19:57:00.008-05:00

Today I went home for my Uncle Leon's viewing. My mom picked me up at the South Bend airport and drove me back to Middlebury. On the way there a van drove by that had a Tattoo parlor's name written across the back. I saw my mom watching it and wondered what she was thinking about. I figured it was probably something negative. Suddenly the van kicked a rock out from underneath itself and it flew up, hitting the side of our car. I looked at my mom and said, "you were thinking negative thoughts at that car weren't you?" She didn't look at me, but attempted to hold back a smile.

"That's karma!" I told her.

"No it's not, it was just a coincidence."

"There's no such thing."

"Yes there is!" she snapped back sounding slightly annoyed.

I laughed to myself because it was obvious to me that her thoughts had backired. :)

2010-09-09T07:23:00.003-05:00

I intentionally try to create my day every day. As soon as I wake up I think positive thoughts and start my day off on the right track even if I'm tired. I tell myself that when I get up and get going I will feel more rested and that I will be productive and happy today. It's becoming so much a habit that I think my unconscious brain is even becoming trained to think that way which is what I want. The unconscious is the more difficult part of the brain to control, because it really is like another being inside of you that at times has a will of its own.

I've experienced a morning where I woke up and lying in bed found myself saying in my head, "I'm very tired. The very core of me is tired." After about a half hour I realized what I had done and attempted to reconcile the situation by thinking positive thoughts but it appeared that the foundation for my day had already been set. It was one of the worst days I had had in a long time.

I made doubly sure that the next day started off right.

Yesterday morning I woke up and received a beautiful gift from my unconscious or from something else perhaps. As my consciousness woke from its sleep the very first thing that popped into my head without any sort of intentional initiation from my part was of a barren tree. No sooner had it appeared then it burst into blooms. It caught me by surprise and made me feel very at peace. It's a memory I'm going to hold onto and an image that I'm going to go back to any time I need to think positive.

In fact, perhaps this is the symbol for creation that I've been looking for. Maybe my tattoo will happen soon?

Mirror Mirror

2010-09-02T17:34:00.004-05:00

I love mirrors and find myself becoming increasingly fascinated by them. I want to build a room that is made entirely out of mirrors. Each wall and the floor and ceiling entire mirrors. I like the idea of seeing into infinity though the problem I couldn't quite figure out is that not only would I see into infinity, I would see an infinite amount of myself all around me as well and that is not the purpose for me. I'd like to try and create the illusion of suspension in complete space.

Last night I had an epiphany. I thought I must be a genius, though I have since come to discover that others have already had the idea and used it to create trivial and tacky wall art. The sudden epiphany I had was to use a one way mirror place perhaps an inch or two in front of another mirror. This would allow you to see through one piece of glass but then from the inside the mirrors would simply reflect in upon themselves, thus getting rid of the reflected self problem! I am so excited to try and create something like this. For now, as I have not remotely enough money to endeavor such a thing I want to at least try and make something work with something more monetarily manageable. One way mirrors are so expensive that I'm also looking into making my own mirrors though if the cost difference is negligible I'll just have to buy them.

I'm going to have to build some sort of frame that is a few inches thick to accomodate the space needed and I will have to light it from the inside. One way mirrors require light from the side that is reflected and low light from the other. The tacky objects I was talking about had lights in the mirror space in the shape of stars and other such disgustingly boring patterns that were reflected off into the distance. Because I don't really want to see the actual light reflected so much I will probably have to have them hidden far enough to the sides that you won't see them in the immediate mirror.

I really want to do this, I just need to figure out how.

2010-09-02T17:29:00.003-05:00

I was browsing through the clearance section at a used bookstore and came across a book titled: "The Man Who Tasted Shapes". I read the inside flap and was extremely excited when I realized that it was a book written on synesthesia, which is when people have multiple sensory experiences via one initial sense stimulation. The title of the book speaks about a man whose food evokes a physical sensation of feeling objects with texture, temperature and weight, pressed against his face or in his hands...the inside flap also talks about people who hear or smell color. I had hear about synesthetics a couple of years ago but never looked up much about them but I find it an extremely fascinating subject so I was very excited to discover that the book was only a dollar. I'm really pleased so far because it's written by a neurologist, so it doesn't just go into stories about synesthetics, it goes into explanations based on neurological causes. I haven't gotten too far into it yet but I can tell that this is going to be a permanent edition to my library.

2010-08-20T09:35:00.003-05:00

My roommate Sarah just moved back a couple of days ago and last night we hung out for a while watching "What the Bleep Do We Know," though really we only watched about an hour or so as we kept pausing to talk about philosophy, spirituality and life. It was great! She and I watched the theatrical version of the movie last spring before she left for the summer and she wanted to watch the extended version as well so we started it last night but didn't even get halfway through. Each disc (there are two) is two and a half hours long and we finished 56 minutes of the first disc even though we were in the living room for probably 3 hours. lol

It's about time I found someone who I can connect with on this level and that understands me when I talk so illusively sometimes about the things I feel and the ideas that I have. Imagine if you will an abstract painting such as a Pollock translated in to language. Pretty difficult to talk about or grasp right? Sometimes I think that's what people think when I try talking about my own philosophies and the new age stuff that I am so in to. But not Sarah. It's like her brain has a direct link to mine and she is there every step of the way as I ramble on about things that aren't always easy to put into words because they are feelings first and aren't really translatable into language. To explain or talk about things like this you have to learn to talk about things in a roundabout way or at least assume the other person knows what you're talking about when saying things like, "I feel like most people are robots and now I feel like my consciousness (spirit whatever you will call it) has allowed itself to detach so to speak from its sticky bindings inside the robot to be free and take more control over the life it is in." We just get each other on a level that I don't find too often with people. I wish I did more. We joked about how it's funny to us that we haven't attracted more people like ourselves when that is a fundamental basis to our philosophies. We have come to the conclusion that it just wasn't the right time.

But, now she is back in the apartment and it is going to be an amazing year. We are going to be going to a Yoga retreat in November which I am extremely excited about. It is an initiation into Kriya yoga (the kind that yogis use). We'll probably end up meditating together and having endless discussions. I just found out last night that all of the discs in my "What The Bleep Do We Know" set has a second side which I was unaware of. That's a whole 3 more discs of footage I have yet to see. So, we've got a lot of stuff to watch (and as we tend to get so sidetracked talking and discussing things) it will take a while to watch everthing. lol

I'm looking forward to the coming year. Everything seems to be falling into place in my life. Everything.

2010-08-19T15:12:00.002-05:00

This is what I found when I bit too far into my apple. I'm going to plant them and have apple trees in my apartment! I know chances are that they will not bear fruit and if they do they will not taste good, but I think it would be fun to have more plants around.

2010-08-09T23:32:00.000-05:00

I want so much to go here.

And I want a book on astronomy.

2010-08-09T23:13:00.000-05:00

I love this photo. It looks like the actual birth of a star.

2010-07-29T07:31:00.002-05:00

I just bought new music. I've been needing new music in my life for a while. I bought Robyn's newest Album, "Body Talk Pt. 1". I really enjoy her sound and the fact that she is friends with and sang a song on Royksopp's album Junior, and that they partnered with her on a song on her album makes me happy.

I also downloaded Husky Rescue's newest Album, "Ship of Light". I've been a fan since 2006 when I discovered "Summertime Cowboy". Here's a song from their newest album: http://www.huskyrescue.co.uk/Resources/we_shall_burn_bright.mp3

2010-07-26T23:24:00.002-05:00

I'm gonna go ahead and validate the noncoincidentalness (like my word? lol) of what I'm about to say.

Last night I was doing a google search. I don't remember what I was searching for, but one of the results was something that had the word "Rainbowarriors" in a sentence that came up. At the exact same moment that I performed the search, a song came on. After I read the word, "Rainbowarriors," I immediately thought of the song of the same name by CocoRosie. No sooner had I thought about this, I realized it was the song currently playing. Again, this just my recording any incidence of "coincidence".

The end.

2010-07-16T11:29:00.003-05:00

I found a poem I wrote in 11th grade American Lit. I took "The Raven", written by Edgar Allen Poe, and wrote "The Raven 2", which is an extension of the original that takes it in a different direction and gives a whole new meaning to the poem. I enjoyed it. It has a few rough spots and in all honesty should probably be a few more stanzas in length but this is what I came up with then:

The Raven 2

Once again that same night dreary, I pleaded with that bird so eerie,
That word you say, how it hurts me, leave me please, now; nevermore,
You remind me of my fair dead lady, burning now in fiery Hades.
A madness now is growing in me, how it burns me to the core.
He smiles at me, somewhat cruelly, sitting there above the door.
Always this and nothing more.

Suddenly a thought came to me, craziness I fear it shall be,
Maybe from his prior master all he learned was nevermore.
Soon I fled this dumb decision, thought I now with more precision,
There must be some sort of mission that has led it to my door.
I realized now he strived to tell me, something of my dead Lenore.
Something I fear I shall abhor.

I now recalled of my dead wife, the torture she had caused my life
Her death had made me to forget that awful witch had been a whore
I loved Lenore so very dearly, she had hated me so clearly
"This Raven's purpose is to merely remind she can hurt no more."
With that the Raven flew away, and with him went the load I bore.
I shall think of her now nevermore.

2010-07-09T17:31:00.002-05:00

This image is so beautiful. It was taken by a photographer from Portugual named JP Sousa. I want this image blown up and framed on my wall.

2010-07-05T19:14:00.002-05:00

So I moved back into my old room again. I worked on it this weekend. I still have to move my AC though and since it was so hot and sticky last night I slept on the floor in my old room. I didn't sleep very well.

But, I really enjoy this room. It has good airflow because of the two corner windows. It feels fresher in here because of it. I also like the hardwood floors. I'm just kind of over the wall design. I like it, but I'm over the brown. I really want something lighter and more colorful now. I decided not to paint the color chart like I had been planning on because of the time commitment and the money. I don't have a lot of extra time right now to devote to the undertaking and I don't need to spend extra money on it right now since I'm perfectly capable of living in the room I have now. At some point I want to do it though.

I also started work on my oil painting final. Danielle and Ellen are both posing for me in the piece. To save time and the hassel of making sure they can both be here at the same time, I took a picture so I can have the underpainting prepped and ready for when they can both come again and then I'll work from life. I could just work from the painting, but as I have said before I just can't do it and feel good about myself.

2010-07-03T14:24:00.006-05:00

Amanda is out of the apartment finally. I did some cleaning yesterday trying to both get the apartment looking nicer and also to cleanse it of any negativity. She left a poor little plant (picture in the middle) that wasn't even potted, just stuck in a small vase. I decided that I was going to keep it and help it to grow and turn a negative situation into a positive, so I went to Home Depot to buy a large pot and soil. Meanwhile, I decided to buy a couple other plants as well. The one on the far let has some little plants growing in around it so I think I'm going to buy some more pots soon and plant them as well. I added some ribbon to make them a littl emore fun. I ran out of double-sided tape so I didn't get to do the third pot unfortunately.

And in other news I am now the proud owner of a mannequin torso. I've wanted one for awhile and I'd still like more, but Kyle's friend corey moved to the city and had one sitting at home so he gave it to me. :) I took this picture this morning when I woke up and was lying in bed. I enjoyed the lighting.

2010-06-18T15:30:00.002-05:00

I would like to challenge anybody who has a problem with nudity. Why? Why are people so afraid of the body? We all have one. And we all (for the most part) hide it. I don't get it. I may have my own qualms about my own body but I know it stems from the fact that everybody else has a problem with it. But, there is no reason why we should be afraid. It's a piece of us that we try to deny and hide. I know how that feels and it's damn shitty.

Oh my god, cover your eyelashes up, they offend me.

2010-06-15T18:31:00.006-05:00

My Norton AntiVirus has been expired for a little over a half a year. I decided I should probably renew it so that it would stop hassling me. The problem is, and part of the reason I have waited so long to renew it, is that Norton doesn't give you the option to renew your 2005 vs, which is what I have...or had. I haven't felt up to calling Norton, which is why I have put off figuring it all out for so long. I have decided to stop being so lazy and putting stuff off (like deleting my Facebook which has proffered SO much more time to do things) so I found I went searching for help. I came across an option to chat with a representative of Norton and as I dislike talking on the phone, especially with strangers, I jumped at the chance...

The conversation I had follows. It's a pity that they do not show the time elapsed between responses because this rep. was extremely slow. I'm sure s/he typed with one finger. And I know it wasn't a computer, b/c English was clearly a second language for them. Nonetheless, they were still able to offer me little help, try to upsell and find time to be snooty all while typing with one finger.

Problem : I have Norton AntiVirus 2005. I need to renew my subscription, however, this is not even an option to choose from. What should I do?
Srinu: You are being transferred to Srinu.
Srinu?: Welcome to Norton Support, my name is Srinu Patnana, can I please have a
minute to go through the information you have provided?
Srinu: Thank you so much for being patient and I really appreciate your patience.
<Dustin Yoder: sure
Srinu: Dustin, I understand that you need assistance in renewing your Norton 2005
product. Am I correct?
Dustin Yoder: Yes
Srinu: You don't worry. You have got a right place to get this issue resolved.
Srinu: Thanks, your case number is ########, please write this down.
Dustin Yoder: Thanks. So, what do I do? The earliest option to choose from is 2006
****UNKNOWN TIME ELAPSE*****
Dustin Yoder: ok
Dustin Yoder: Now what?
Srinu: Dustin, I would suggest you to purchase Norton 2010 product instead of
purchasing Norton 2005 product renewal.
Srinu: Dustin, I would like to inform you that, Norton 2010 is a very updated andadvanced product.
Srinu: It provides the best protection against all kinds worms.
Srinu: Dustine, are you with me?
Dustin Yoder: I'm still here
Srinu: Dustine, shall we go ahead with purchasing Norton 2010 product instead of purchasing Norton 2005 renewal?
Dustin Yoder: What is the difference in cost? I don't have a lot of money to spend
Srinu: http://www.symantecstore.com
Srinu: Please click on above link to know the costs of all Norton products.
Dustin Yoder: But, what about renewing 2005? I haven't been able to find that. And won't all of the updates in my subscription be the same updates I would get in 2010?
Dustin Yoder: I would rather not spend $70 if I don't have to
Srinu: Yes Dustin, I would like to inform you that, our research department has worked a lot and come up with very advanced 2010 protection.
Dustin Yoder: So are you telling me that when I use Norton AntiVirus 2005 I only get protection up to the year 2005 and any research done for virus protection after 2005 is not given to me because I don't have the "updated" version?
Srinu: Yes Dustin.
Srinu: I am so glad that, you are a very quick learner.
Dustin Yoder: Don't be condescending. If I haven't been getting updated protection then there is no reason why there should be a "Live Update" button.
Dustin Yoder: Exactly WHAT is being updated if not NEW protection?
Srinu: Dustin, What I mean to say is, Live update is same for both the products, however 2010 product comes with all new engines which work more efficiently against all new worms.
Dustin Yoder: Fine

And then I left the chat, because I was finished. I thought I was being very
respectful up until Srinu gave me attitude, considering the fact that I had to
wait so long, that my question was never answered and that they attempted to sell
me a new product that for all I knew cost more.

I ended up buying 2010...

2010-06-11T16:13:00.002-05:00

I mowed the lawn today and it started raining. It was nice. I miss playing in the rain like I used to when I was a child. I also miss nature a lot. The city offers a lot but nature is not one of the things it can boast. Yes, there are some trees here and there and yes there are a few parks, but they aren't really nature. I imagine finding a few stray hairs laying on the ground and knowing that there used to be a person standing there. That's the way I feel about nature in the city. What few scraggly plants you find here and there are slowly being choked by the cement around them.

So, I enjoyed being out around the trees today. When it started raining I stopped mowing and walked around. I had told myself when I was done mowing that I was going to go 4-leaf clover hunting since they are all over my parents' yard. I found 20 or so of them in one spot in the back of the yard. I even found a 5 and a 6 leaf clover.

It's been overcast today but I still managed to get a sunburn on my neck.

2010-06-11T16:08:00.003-05:00

I decided to delete my Facebook account. I'm happy that soon I will be free again. I didn't feel free with an account. Always checking it. Always being connected to everybody all the time...I don't believe it's healthy. At least not for me. Those who are meant to be in my life will be, and those who are not meant to be won't. I don't see any reason to keep anybody around if they don't uplift me, stimulate me or help me to grow mentally or spiritually. I choose my life and I choose not to have a Facebook account. I choose not to have my life sold and shared to companies.

2010-05-30T23:50:00.002-05:00

I started doing my dream journal again. I only did it for about a week and it's been like 4 months now since I last wrote in it. I'm going to make a point to write every single day even if i don't remember that day. Just to make a good solid habit out of it. I'm interested to see what comes of it.

I've also decided to rent Amanda's room for July since she will be gone and it will be a hassle finding a subletter for only one month. Plus, this way I get to a studio to do my art in even if for only a little while and even if it means shelling out some money. I will make it work because I think it is one way that I will make this summer which is already turning out somewhat packed and bordering on stressful, more bearable.

2010-05-20T13:29:00.002-05:00

I'm all excited to buy myself some septum jewelry. Here are some of the ones that I've found that I really like:

These make me want to get my ears pierced:

And this would be great for Halloween. lol Though, I'd be afraid of it getting caught on something or of a drunk person grabbing ahold and yanking... *shudders*

2010-05-20T11:26:00.002-05:00

When I was about 4 or 5, I survived a pressure cooker explosion at my baby sitter's house. I can't help but think that I was saved for a reason. I am here for a purpose. I may not know what it is and it may not even be to change the world, but I am here for a reason, however small. If I'm not, there is no reason why I should have survived the explosion.

The kitchen itself is probably no larger than 12' x 12' in dimension. There is a doorway leading from the dining room into the kitchen and from there two to three steps down will take you into the back room where we always hung out and played video games. It was a warm summer day so I was walking around the house barefoot. I remember walking into the kitchen from the dining room headed for the back room. I was in the dead center of the kitchen (no more than 4 feet from the stove and pressure cooker) when it exploded. All I can remember is a loud noise and lots of smoke. I screamed and ran. Though I couldn't see where I was going I made it down the steps without tripping and out the back door which I don't remember opening. The fire department came and said that the explosion was as powerful as if a stick of dynamite had exploded. There was glass everywhere. It was embedded into the cupboards and it reached well out into the dining room and the back room, yet my bare feet and body for that matter escaped with only a green bean (that's what my baby sitter was canning) and a tiny piece of glass with a drop of blood in my hair. It was years after (into high school) before I could feel comfortable enough being in the kitchen while my mother was canning. To this day I still get antsy and nervous around pressure cookers.

I don't remember any thing or presence in the moment. Nothing that was there guiding me out of the room, but I know that there had to be. How else would I have escaped with only a tiny scratch on me? I don't know why I thought of that moment this morning but I did and felt this overwhelming need to write about it. It's one of those moments that I will never forget.

2010-05-14T17:16:00.003-05:00

I feel empowered right now. I got my hair did this afternoon and then directly after I got my septum pierced. I've always wanted something pierced but never thought it would look right on me. I just failed to realize that you have to wear a piercing, a piercing doesn't wear the person. If you don't wear it confidently then of course you will look ridiculous.

I love it.

2010-05-12T19:00:00.003-05:00

I just have to say that my favorite director is Michel Gondry. I love him.

And one of my favorite bands is Royksopp.

I'm rewatching "The Fountain" right now to see if I understand it more clearly this time."

2010-05-08T15:56:00.003-05:00

Whether you believe you can do a thing or not, you are right.~ Henry Ford

I found the quote above by Henry Ford a few weeks ago and immediately connected with it. I remember coloring during recess in first grade with a friend of mine. She was having a hard time drawing and just didn't understand how I did it. She told me that she couldn't do it and even at that age I told her that she was thinking about it wrong. I told her, If you believe you can do it then you can and if you believe you can't do it then you can't.

For some reason that moment with my friend in first grade has always stayed in my memory. I have remembered it from time to time and the way I have now come to understand life has validated what I believed as a child. I have become lost more than a few times in life and forgotten my own words, but I guess in the end it boils down to what matters to you most. There are many things in life that I have a hard time believing I can do, but only about things which do not matter to me much. I have never been able to throw a football, but then again I really couldn't care much if I will ever be able to. It's important to stop and take notice in life, though, when you feel challenged by something you believe yourself incapable of accomplishing. Is it important to your health and to your happiness to be able to do it? Then why don't you believe in yourself?"

2010-05-08T14:49:00.016-05:00

I am currently reading "Autobiography of a Yogi." Yet again ideas, truths and questions that weigh on my mind daily are being resolved. There is a definite path in my life. I know this to be true because each time I seek something I find my answer even if it is not what I imagined it to be. My ideas and beliefs on life become more and more solid daily yet at the same time I know that any solid or tangible thought is false, at least in the sense that rules are rules and laws are laws ALWAYS... I know this is not true. Everything is relative. The only thing not relative is our future. There is a "final destination" and I say "final" because I don't believe there to be a literal end; rather I believe there to be an infinite. The words "final destination" have the ability to express something more, but in using these words I want to be clear that I do not mean a limited end. There is something more after this material life. Another plane. Another conscious whole. But, there is also another higher reality after that and yet again after that. Infinity has no end.

I would love to know if I have had past lives and if so what I was like. Why am I finally awakening to this universal energy? Why now? Why this life? Have I wondered this before? Is it haunting me throughout my many lives? This life started on a very different path and as a child I always wondered what I would look like and what I would be like but never would I have imagined this would be it. I am very happy with myself and this journey that I find myself a part of. But since the beginning I have been turned upside-down, backside-right, slantwise-forward and downside-back. I used to say that I had made a one hundred and eighty degree turn-around every time I tried explaining my life to someone, especially someone from my past. In their minds I am still the person they knew and in a sense I am, but in a greater sense I am a completely different person. I used to say that I was 100% different than I used to be. But, I now realize that that is no longer sufficient to describe where I've come from and where I've found myself. To say that I've made a 100% change is like comparing a puddle to the Pacific Ocean. And that doesn't even begin to describe this twisting overgrown arduous path I have been on that has taken me to places I have never imagined. It has even taken me back to places I thought I would never return to. Returning to a path once visited has the effect of catapulting me somewhere new because I am able to view that plane, that moment, that person, that experience or that idea with a vast amount of new insight or understanding. I see the world and reality in a drastically different way than I did as a child. I realize that most people "grow up" but this analogy is not quite the same, in so far as it doesn't go far enough. In the sense that most people would understand, a baby matures into a child, into a teenager, into a young adult, into an adult...but there is a level of finality to that progression which I now understand to be false. There is never an end. The changes I have been making in life started around high school. Since then I can see how my journey has been exponentially increasing in speed. I begin to find it hard to communicate some of my beliefs and philosophies with people who haven't in some way (with or without conscious effort or knowledge) come to understand what I understand. I imagine it is like a computer programmer trying to talk to a child about writing a very complicated program; not impossible but there is a certain amount of learning and knowledge that the child would need to begin to understand what exactly the programmer is talking about. Likewise, in general conversation one cannot just start speaking of the infinite without raised eyebrows and an utterly confused audience who doesn't think you are some sort of whack job. If it is not the right time or place in their life to Understand then that's fine, but meanwhile I feel a bit lonely for someone to communicate with on that particular level.

I never thought I would be a spiritual person again after leaving my Christian upbringing, and yet I find myself thinking in terms of the hereafter and a much higher power. The problem is that one must understand I don't currently understand the "hereafter" to mean heaven or hell and I also do not understand "higher power" to be God. Both terms for me are too solid and final. I believe in no such thing. I suppose I believe in pockets of conscious energy such as humans and even more highly advanced beings such as the gods of all cultures and religions, but even they are a part of a greater whole, like the atom is to a molecule and the molecule is to a cell and the cell is to an organ, is to a being, is to a community, is to a planet, is to the solar system, is to infinitely more. Unless I am an enlightened Buddha, yogi or spiritual saint, or the equivalent thereof in any religious viewpoint Understanding becomes quite difficult. I don't claim to fully Understand, and I am not sure that any human mind can ever completely comprehend, but I do claim to be conscious that I am and we all are on a journey to a higher reality.

Time is an illusion that makes no sense when attempting to understand the ultimate. (On a side note the terms I use such as "ultimate reality," "consciousness," etc. are all 100% inadequate as they are physical words invoking physical ideas which will never be able to adequately describe what they can only ever hint at.) There is no past and there is no future, there is only ever Now. Time is something that we have created to understand and use to categorize things so that we can use the world around us more efficiently. We think of night and day and the passing of time that way, but if we lived on Mars our sense of time would not function the same way as night there would be quite different from the way it is on earth. Time in that sense is relative. How does one measure time in space unless using the time currency of a particular planet such as earth? We have created this idea of time so that it becomes easier to understand the physical world around us. Time may help in our understanding of things but it is still a fabrication. The illusion of time is a hard idea to grasp at first and it is something I still am trying to fully comprehend but once you are able to see it then you begin to see the ever present Now and as such begin to understand that everything is a part of a whole. In fact, there is then the understanding that the parts of a whole are as illusory as time itself. There is no you or me, but us and we. Those as well are too singular. We are everything and everything is us. Again this is the same thing. I don't believe we can fully Know until we exist on another plane, or in this Higher Understanding.

I have talked before of my premonitions. I believe the Universe communicates with us all the time, but that we are almost as often unaware or not paying attention. To read the world around us is an art lost to most but tribal peoples and mystics who are criticized for their unusual beliefs which are discredited as illogical. What I find frustrating is that the structured scientific world discredits such individuals because science is often unwilling to understand. It is hard for Newtonian scientists to understand a world that does not function by the same principles. In science it is common practice and indeed understood that you throw away the outliers in any experiment. Any piece of data that disagrees with what most of the information in the system says surely can not be right. In so doing, any true understand of where those outliers come from is ignored because they are automatically assumed false. It is this automatic throwing away of the unusual or the different that keeps science and spirituality separate.

I have always been a very logical and also a very intuitive person. Both opposites yet not to be opposed to each other. I have come to understand that one does not exist without the other and that they both describe reality in very different ways but do not in fact discredit each other. In the same way I believe science and all religions and philosophies in life to be looking at and toward the exact same goal, without realizing that each wears a pair of glasses with different colored lenses. I see the world differently than people around me, but that does not make my beliefs or their beliefs false. If anything it should help us to realize and understand reality even better as it is apparent that each of us sees something the other does not see. There is so much to learn from each other.

Quantum Physics has helped to show me the truth behind mysticism and the seemingly unexplainable. Physicists are beginning to uncover this ambiguous world where everything is energy that is controllable through our thoughts. To make things more complicated, what we perceive as reality may really only be a fabrication created by our minds. It is our collective whole which causes it to be so solid. We create ourselves to be solid, tangible things as much as the plants, rocks and animals around us.

Man believes himself to be sole ruler of the universe but fails to see the community in which we live and as such loses sight of the goal. I believe human evolution and advancements to be important but not to the extent that we ignore our world and even the knowledge that the peoples who have come before us knew, understood and practiced.

For me there is a quest I find myself on toward finding an ultimate Understanding and toward Enlightenment. I don't feel it my responsibility to take everyone around me on my path, as say a Christian finds it their responsibility to do so. I find that to be violating a universal law that allows things to be as they are unless there i s a desire to be otherwise. I should hate to think that I have forced something onto another being against their will or choice. How is that working together as a "part" of a unit? The heart should no sooner tell the lungs to stop breathing and begin beating than you or I should tell another that they are doing it incorrectly.

What I have just written are my beliefs (all be it only a small part) that I hold to be true. But I am not so bold as to say that anyone else needs to listen if they choose not to.

2010-04-27T20:23:00.002-05:00

I'm teaching myself to write HTML and CSS so that I can create my own website the way I want it. In the process, I plan on combining my blog as well so that everything you ever need to know about muah will be available all in one place. I'd like to be in control of how I present myself to others and that involves not being limited to options I am provided and also by the amount of money it costs to pay for a professional web designer. I'm smart. I'm an artist. Teach me and I'll do it. I bought a book from Borders, that is far from dry and utilizes, pictures, first person dialogue and constructive thinking. I was hoping I'd find something just like it because it's hard to learn from a typical text book if you are attempting to teach yourself without the aid of a teacher. After this book I plan on finding some more in-depth ones and possibly even some on Flash.

In fact, after I'm through reading up on these subjects and have successfully made my website to my desire (my goal is by the time I graduate) then I plan on teaching myself some other subjects. I'd also like to learn about computer programming and physics and cell biology and how the brain functions and psychology...basically there are a lot of things I'd love to know more about and since most of them I would otherwise not get a chance to learn about as I have no time or money to take classes, I'm going to teach myself.

Wish me luck.

2010-04-26T15:19:00.002-05:00

I feel too connected to everybody through Facebook. I don't like that a large portion of my social life exists on and through a computer screen. What happened to hanging out with friends and talking, or going to a coffee shop? What happened to late night movies? What happened to playing video games or board games? What happened to story telling, or making movies? What happened to going to the park? What happened to TPing? What happened to enjoying ourselves without getting "schwasted"? What happened to "connecting" with friends in person? I guess it's easier to connect online when we all have such busy schedules. Is that what happens when you grow up? I know there has to be an easier way. Perhaps this is what you have to do to become a well rounded person. When you choose not to live life like everybody else, you have to make certain sacrifices so that some day things will be easy. I often have to refocus myself and make a point to remember that I am in school right now and that I just need to be patient. I'm learning what I need to learn now so that when I'm done with school I have to the tools necessary to do what I need and want to do. I've just been going going going for what feels like forever. I'm excited that in a few years I will finally be finished with school.

I'm also excited that in a few short months I will be living somewhere else. Somewhere that doesn't involve Victor and Amanda. They are insufferable to live with. My bedroom is practically a studio and it is a bit claustrophobic in here. I'm ready to be out. I don't like feeling confined in any sense because of someone else. I don't want my emotional well-being to ever be at the mercy of somebody else's actions or inactions. It drives me insane.

2010-04-23T08:26:00.001-05:00

I just deleted my Myspace account.

I think Facebook is next.

I'm not feeling much today.

Actually I am and perhaps I am feeling too much.

This might be the only way that I can keep my sanity.

2010-04-11T14:10:00.002-05:00

I've finished my final piece for LFD 301. One thing I had not counted on was that the canvas itself relfected in the mirror acted as another mirror of sorts. The mirror and canvas reflected in upon each other in the same way that two mirrors reflect in upon each other and created a really cool effect. I think it's actually the most interesting aspect of the entire piece. I find the left side to be a bit weak so overall I think it could be stronger.

2010-04-10T21:44:00.001-05:00

"I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need." ~Auguste Rodin

I really like this quote.

2010-04-10T14:02:00.010-05:00

I decided to just dig in with this piece and used more paint than I usually do. I like painting this way better because it feels more like I'm drawing than when I just smear it on...as Ms. Engels would say, "noodle noodle." I still have some problems finding key areas to bring the piece to a complete whole but I'm gaining momentum.

This next semester I am taking an independent study for LFD 302. I'm not sure how they'll be dealing with models for us and how exactly a life drawing independent study will work. I'm thinking positive. I'm also signed up for Digital Graphics Foundation (DGF) and Watercolor...I was really hoping for photography but I guess they're not offering it this summer but I don't like that watercolor is my replacement. I wasn't sure I wanted to take more oil classes but now I know I want to. I'm going to have it changed.

We have been somewhat unfocused in Life Drawing lately but we have been discussing doing a mastercopy project. meanwhile I did this study in about an hour in class. Again, I'm still working out the idea of space and relationships.

I find it really interesting how the idea of relationships that I have been exploring in my drawings has shown me some overlying patterns in life as well. The relationships in everything. They aren't just in how I see life, but how life is. It's an interesting insight for me. This all harkens back to my belief that everything is interconnected and actually finding these connected relationships in my drawings has helped to shed light on its truth in life as well as on the canvas.

I'm getting much closer to finishing my final piece for LFD 301. And by finished I mean almost all of the canvas is covered. I will still need to go back and fix bits here and there and bring the entire thing to a complete whole. For now, here's a small sample

2010-04-09T13:19:00.003-05:00

"The mind is its own place, and the places inhabited by the insane and the exceptionally gifted are so different from the places where ordinary men and women live, that there is little or no common ground of memory to serve as a basis for understanding or fellow feeling." ~Aldous Huxley, The Doors of Perception

I may be exceptionally gifted or I may be insane, in fact I'm not sure either are too far from each other on the sanity spectrum. One is perhaps slightly more misunderstood. In any case, this is how I feel about most people I meet. I am never quite able to express myself to most people I encounter because there is no way for me to express what I know or feel without them becoming completely lost by the ambiguity.

2010-04-02T23:57:00.003-05:00

I found this doorknob at Anthropologie. I was wearing my green button up with my green flip flops and with my green glass ring, which is almost exactly the same green as the doorknob. Needless to say I bought it.

Isn't it amazing?

2010-03-21T13:07:00.001-05:00

I'm a little obsessed with mirrors right now. I want to work with them more. I want to make mirrors. I want to create mirror rooms. I want to make art with them. I want to explore them.

2010-03-18T19:12:00.005-05:00

Thanks to my camera resurfacing I have been able to go back and take better pictures of the art I have done at school in the past few weeks. Here are some new pieces for you and also some of the pieces I have already posted but taken with my camera instead of my phone.

These next two are monochromatic self-portraits I did for my oil class. I only need to do one but I wanted to do more. The second one turned out much more impressionistic than I had imagined, but part of it was because of the size. It's not for everyone but I enjoyed it.

The next two pieces are a study of the human visual field, so basically everything that you see at any one given moment. I'm interested in the fact that everything you sees affects everything else that you see. Even though you isolate an area to draw or paint it doesn't change the fact that there is still "stuff" outside of that particular composition...so I am attempting to fit everything into the space. The first piece is my current piece and unfortunately there are still a couple of inches above, below and to the sides of this piece that I wasn't able to fit in. Ms. Engels told me to add another canvas to the top and bottom to create a tryptich, which I may or may not do. I haven't decided quite yet. I'm leaning towards not doing it. We'll see. The second piece is a quick study I did contemplating the idea. At the bottom you will notice my respirator. You will see this respirator a lot more in the future when I do pastel self portraits.

2010-03-18T11:03:00.003-05:00

The idea that a phantom limb or paralisis has a "learned" ability has gotten me thinking. I've been of the opinion for a little while now that any abnormality or disability that humans have is partially learned. I've been associating this thinking in large part to my eye sight. I've had glasses since I was 7 and my eye sight has progressively gotten worse over the years because I have astigmatism. I'd be interested in seeing if eye sight is partially learned. It would be great if I never had to use glasses or contacts again.

And again, this is just proof that you can control your own life...literally. If you imagine you are a victim, if you imagine that life sucks, if you imagine that you will never be happy and if you imagine you cannot see very well, then you won't. I really need to practice my vision.

2010-03-18T10:34:00.003-05:00

I think this video is beautiful. It supports everything I believe about life. I strive all the time to better quiet my left hemisphere so that the energy of the universe has a little more say now and then. I would really like to take some classes on meditation. I think that quieting your left hemisphere is really what happens during meditation. I want to be able to find a positive balance between the two hemispheres of my brain and to help them work in unity. One will not work properly without the other as she clearly talks about in the video. I would love to feel at complete one with the universe but not at the expense of becoming an immovable vegetable. If that is what I wanted, I would find a way to put myself into a coma. But, I am alive. I am here for a reason. What possible better way to grow is there than to find a more complete balance in my life.

2010-03-15T14:00:00.000-05:00

Ellen found my camera in her car.

I was a little annoyed at not having it anymore, but somewhere inside I never lost complete hope. It turned back up.

I still want to get a better camera. I'm taking photography this summer. Perhaps when I learn a little more about photography I'll know what kind to buy. I have to have one before I go to Europe next summer.

2010-03-15T11:30:00.002-05:00

Last night Kyle, Ellen and I went to see Tim Burton's, "Alice in Wonderland" and I loved it. I was afraid to see it because I had heard bad things about the movie and rottentomatoes.com had given it a 53%. They got free tickets so I figured why not.

I loved it. I love love loved it.

I don't care if it's cheesy but I related to Alice from a social viewpoint. I love how they interpreted the story within the context of the era in which it was written. In a time of high aristocracy and rigid structure. In a sense the movie is screaming to be paralleled to every society. Most societies by nature is a group of individuals, or nonindividuals rather, who thrive on tradition and rituals. Though things may not have been quite as strict where I came from in a sense it was no different. There were certain ideas and beliefs that had been held and practiced for generations and I was expected to uphold them as well. But, I for one stood up and said, no. I'm sorry, but I can't. My life now could easily be compared to Alice's in Wonderland.

Every single day I challenge myself to believe unbelievable things. I challenge myself because my previously conceived notions that there are black and white rules which govern the world have been shattered. I find so many unbelievable things to be far more believable than the believable ones! I thrive off of creativity and thinking outside the box. I used to crave structure, but I don't need it nearly as much anymore. I'm working my way out of crutches I didn't even know I had. It's liberating knowing I am living for myself and no one else.

I thought the movie was beautifully filmed and I loved the fact that Alice had 5 or 6 costume changes. The dresses were all amazing. To be honest, I feel like the people who don't appreciate the movie, aren't seeing it for its message which was screaming at me. People are judging it for face value, which to them means comparing it to what Alice in Wonderland was when they saw it as a child. That is something I have been learning not to do. Anytime a remake is done or a book made into a movie, you have to understand that it is a entirely new piece of art. It is and will never be the same as the original. A great filmmaker will understand this and will successfully create a movie that makes note of this. Tim Burton did that and in doing so he also prodded and poked at the idea of tradition and all of its rigid confines. I feel like that is where I came from and somewhere I will never find myself again.

2010-02-18T11:29:00.004-06:00

Ok, this is my last post for today, I promise... At least for this morning.

A few weeks ago I was asked to do the chalkboard signs at Southport Grocery. The signs are something that I always enjoyed doing at Starbucks when I worked there so I was more than happy to do these signs for some money. The sign below is about 4' x 7' and it was done in chalk marker. I also did a smaller sign for their wines and one for their coffees/teas/cookies. I forgot to take pictures of those two though. I will be updating the larger sign once a month with new stuff.

Close-up of the large sign

2010-02-18T10:53:00.004-06:00

I made two paintings for Kyle this past Christmas. Months before I took two pictures of him and cat Pepper that I loved. I knew I wanted to do a painting of one or both of them as a present. Kyle has had Pepper for 15 years now. He got her as a birthday present on his 10th birthday and she means the world to him. I really enjoyed both pictures but this one seemed to be the better composition of the two so I initially decided to paint it. In the end I gave in and did them both. They are acryllic on 18" x 24" panel. I posterized the images because it was a style that we had used in Fundamentals that I really enjoyed. I went a little photo crazy in the process, but I'm glad because I really enjoy seeing all of the little steps add up to the finished piece. I especially enjoy clicking quickly through the pictures on my computer to see the picture grow before my eyes. The progression reads from left to right top to bottom.

2010-02-15T14:52:00.007-06:00

I lost my camera last weekend...So now I can't even post pictures unless I use my camera phone which lord knows will never take good enough pictures. I've got a list of things that I would love to own and would make my life so much easier. Money needs to happen first. Money can be such a drug. But, it's knowing how to use it properly and in its right time and place. Flaunting it around because you think it makes you look better when you are actually having a hard time paying bills and getting ahead of everything is the wrong way to use money. There are times in life when it's beneficial to pull back and raise yourself out of this pit you've dug yourself into. It's necessary if you ever want to see daylight again. That's where I'm at right now. I have so many ideas and desires and things I want to create. With that creation I feel like there are necessary things in my life which would help me so much. But, now isn't the time. I have to prepare myself for that life. Financially I am not there yet. I'm working for that time in my life where I can be absolutely as I want to be. To live sufficiently doing what I want as I want. To be able to create what I want to create as I want to create it. I don't even need ridiculous amounts of money as long as I have enough to keep me going and to know it's going to be there when I desire.

2010-02-13T13:16:00.002-06:00

I loaned "What the Bleep Do We Know" to Ms. Burkhardt before winter break and I just got it back from her a couple of days ago. I've been wanting to rewatch the movie again because I've felt for a couple of months now that something is wrong in my life. I was on such a good path and everything was falling into place and things lately have seemed somehow off. I couldn't place my finger on exactly what was off but something just didn't feel right. How can one correct something one cannot see? I guess that's where my frustration has been stemming from.

The first time I watched this movie it was like my consciousness was awoken and put into action. No longer was I the victim in a ruthless world. I was my own creator. Life has been great. It takes practice and through repetition things become easier and easier and you can physically and mentally change your life around to be whatever you want it to be.

So, the question I had recently was why I seemed to be slipping again. Why are old emotions coming back and attempting to take back over? In rewatching this movie I have come to realize that I am playing victim again, though not in the same way I once was. Before I was a victim, though unknowingly. I had no idea that there was another way and that I had the choice to decide if I wanted to be happy or not. Then I woke up. My life became more clear, reality became more clear and I felt whole again. It's a hard thing to be so open and one with everything when everything around you is so defensive and is constantly fighting against you. I started to view society as this evil that works hard day in and day out to constantly hold me back into this prescribed mold of how I should be. I felt very very wronged by it all. This is your place in the world and you need to stay there. To break free of this mold takes knowledge which is not too hard to come by but it's what you do with that knowledge once you've received it that matters.

I was elated to be so one with everything but inside I started to develop this grudge against society for keeping me so ignorant of reality. I was and everybody is as the world intends us to be. It's intentions and the actions of others create who each and everyone of us are. If we do not take control over ourselves then we are nothing but puppets, strung along by life and not the other way around.

So now that I have been freed from the ignorance I once had about life, I needed to be freed from the anger I had towards the world that created me to be so. I need to stop playing victim and move forward. Society the world over is not yet aware of mankind's capacity. There is a glass ceiling overhead which many haven't yet noticed. The thing I am now understanding is that it is not their fault and I need to stop being so negatively affected by their actions. Is it right for me to be angry at someone else's ignorance? An example that I now realize was a lesson waiting to be learned but which I didn't truly take anything other than hurt and anger from is an instance that happened to me when I was at Paper Source one day. A woman came in looking for a Jewish New Year's card. I had no idea that there was such a thing as Jewish New Year. I asked her about it, genuinely interested in understanding something I did not know, but instead of merely informing me, she became very defensive and insulted me by saying, "Well if they never taught you anything in school..." I felt so wronged in the situation because it was not my fault that no one had ever told me about this holiday and when I found out about it I genuinely felt an interest in knowing. I did not stubbornly choose to remain ignorant because it did not affect me. Instead of showing grace and mercy the woman chose to act out in anger. I now see that in a way that is how I have felt towards society. I now understand life so differently and yet I constantly am angered by society for not knowing better. I need to stop. I need to fully release myself from the anger and sense of being wronged that I have every time I see society trying to control me and successfully controlling those around me. If anything is going to change, it is through my own patience and grace.

Grace is a word that means a lot to me, grace being unmerited forgiveness and mercy, to love another because they deserve to be loved and not because they have earned it. Grace is one thing I have come to understand through my upbringing as a Mennonite, though there are many times growing up in the church that I have seen how grace is ignored by its members. There is a base level that serves as a foundation to Christianity and I now realize to my own spirituality. Like the foundation of a house, grace and many other ideas and philosophies form the structure on which religions are created. We decorate these structures like we decorate our homes, with furniture, paint, add nick nacks and anything else which we deem to be necessary to make ourselves comfortable. We don't see the structure of the home anymore, only what we cover it up with. Without a structure everything we deem right would be meaningless because one cannot exist without the other. In that way I believe religion to be perverted from its truth. Grace is one of those foundational elements which I believe is often misunderstood and highly overlooked by religion and mankind. It is something that I seem to forget in some but not all situations in my life. I know now, that I need to also apply grace when it comes to how victimized I feel by society. To recover from and uncover myself from this veil which has kept me blocked I must show grace to society.

I forgive you for what you have done to me. I no longer hold myself as a victim in a world where choosing not to conform to the ideals and beliefs of everybody else is increasingly difficult. I am free of the burden of victimization. I am free to live my life.

2010-02-11T22:39:00.003-06:00

Why have I never known Alexander McQueen before now? He's dead. I just want to know these artists that are alive and breathing who are truly inspiring. Now, he's dead and I never knew his greatness in his life. I'm sorry Alex.

Alexander McQueen

2010-01-30T22:13:00.003-06:00

I watched "Revolutionary Road" a few weeks ago and bought the movie directly after. It's brilliant.

I'm reading the book right now.

I feel so much connection with what the author is saying. And I find it interesting that the "insane" character is one of the most sane characters in the entire story. Is he insane because he is the only one willing to point out what is really going on?

2010-01-30T22:00:00.004-06:00

I believe in an absolute reality which no human mind could ever fully comprehend and which these words could never hope to define.

There is much more to "life".

There is much more to the "aferlife".

I think we continue to evolve and grow even in "death". Death being merely a transition from one state of being to another. Hopefully a higher state. I believe it completely possible to create your own hell if that is where you think you will end up. Likewise, you could end up in a "heaven"...a happy but unaware state of being, a stunted reality. I believe that if you believe in nothing then nothing is what you will be.

I believe in more. More can't even begin to describe what reality is because nothing can truly describe it. Words can only hint at it. We can jab our fingers at it and try to pin it down but we will never touch it. Not until we let go completely. I think Buddha understood. He transcended what we understand as "reality". What's waiting for us?

2010-01-27T18:33:00.005-06:00

Mankind is evolving every second. We have been growing since the first consciousness organized itself a little more fully, those unfathomable number of years ago. Thinking back on times past feels like looking down from a glass elevator. The higher we go the more time has past. At one time I viewed history that was before my time as so long ago that it didn't even register in my consciousness. That's not how history is though. It's much closer than I realized.

It just made me think about how we're all growing or not growing through life. We evolve globally now that we're so connected and there is a lot of power to the human mind and together so many possibilities lay ahead of us. In front of us in distance, but not in time is an empty hall, an empty room, an empty field, an empty mountain an empty world an empty universe an empty eternity. Time isn't real.

The importance is thinking. Or the act of thinking. Thinking is being creative. Plants don't think...that we are aware...but we do. Somewhere back in the evolution of mankind we were unthinking but living organisms. We had already made the leap from "inanimate" organisms to living ones and many other animals were on a journey with us at the same time. Then we started becoming smarter. Our brains evolved and became larger and larger. Back when there was not much awareness in the universe it took a creative consciousness to evolve little by little until it was became what we now know as mankind. We are beings, whose creativity allowed our consciousness to grow into deciding that it desires the ability to think and make decisions for itself. There is a natural creative element to every one of us. Those who do not think in life, be it in their job, in their relationships with friends and family, have pushed the emergency stop button on their elevator through history and through life. The person who does this has no desire to live their own life.

I can't do that.

I never truly understood. History is man's way of organizing time in our minds. It's like filing away information labeled: June 14, 1985. Content: This year, you were born. You are now 24 years, 7 months and 13 days old. It's like viewing your history and future as other than the present. The problem is that time does not really exist and your past and present are actually Now. I now see this vast emptiness and realize that life is made up of whatever possibilities I desire. Perhaps sometimes, it is hard to even think of such freedom. It's far too scary to think of such absolute freedom. Freedom from a job you don't want to do, freedom from other people's disapproval and free from anything that doesn't make you happy. It's hard because it's unknown and until we are able to know and understand this truth. The sooner we begin to think about life this way, the sooner we can all just be happy. The older I get, the further away it feels I am from the "ground". My life has taken many twists and turns that has shaped the way I see reality and life in general. There's not much solid ground anymore. I like it that way.

2010-01-24T14:59:00.002-06:00

Hagalaz/Isa
Kenaz/Wunjo Merkstave
Ehwaz/Nauthiz
Sowilo

I did a runecasting. I've been feeling very stifled and cut off and cramped in and unable to control my innerself.

I just need to persevere, be strong and face my fears.

2010-01-24T14:11:00.003-06:00

Last night we watched a fight occur in a Wrigleyville alley.
The couple had exited the back of a bar.
She was screaming at the top of her lungs.
He was screaming right back.
It was kind of exciting to watch.
Like watching COPS in real life.
There was another other girl who had shown up at the bar.
The first girl was drunk.
The first girl was very upset.
WE'RE OVER! WE'RE OVER!
I'M THROUGH WITH YOU BITCH!
The relationship was over.
The girl wouldn't leave though.
She kept coming back.
Finally a loud smack was heard.
She was thrown to the ground and repeatedly kicked her in the stomach.
The cops were called.
He was gone.

2010-01-18T16:35:00.001-06:00

It's a frustrating feeling to know that you are growing and changing for the better and knowing that you are much more comfortable with life than you once were...only to find out that people around you don't understand.

I wonder what Buddha would have done in such a situation?

2010-01-16T12:54:00.001-06:00

It's amazing how much information we have at our disposal when desired. If you have a question the internet most likely has the answer.

I love that.

2010-01-13T19:03:00.000-06:00

"If a person is living out his Personal Legend, he knows everything he needs to know. There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure." ~ The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

Failure has always been my greatest fear. I know now that it shouldn't be. "Failure" in many senses is a guide to your learning. Embrace it as another piece to the puzzle.

2010-01-12T17:42:00.009-06:00

Life is a sequence of events coming at you. It's sort of like watching a movie. We love them so because we are able to detach ourselves from the world to enjoy the movie from an outsiders viewpoint. For once we are able to view the world taking place and not actually partake in it. That's why we enjoy "pretty" movies with pretty people and all of its fluff because we like to fantasize that that is who we are. Or we can enjoy action/adventure because we wish we had the ability to do the things we saw happening in front of us. Some people enjoy torture movies because life can be a bitch and it's nice to watch it happen to someone else for a change (even if it's a bit extreme). I think there are reasons for our every choices even if it's not completely conscious. They happen because there is an attic up there that isn't empty. You thought your whole life that you chose what you did and said what you chose consciously...but our subconscious really is at work in everything we do without us realizing it. We aren't alone.

I believe the mind is an untapped resource that mankind has gained through evolution and thus as a birthright we ought to be using more consciously.

What if our subconscious is the history of mankind, or at least our hereditary lineage of it. We are subconsciously made up of every person before us. Thus, I am everyone who has come before me. Perhaps that's why some people have flashbacks of a former life. I would guess that somehow a particular life shines brighter than the others, perhaps because there is a message there longing to be heard but being forgotten. It creates such an impact that memories become strong enough for the person in the present to have.

I find it interesting that we talk about our subconscious and our conscious as separate entities. It's like admitting that we have multiple personality disorder, only in this case we would say that it's kosher...in fact perhaps that is where personality disorder comes from. If your subconscious were made up of a multitude of lives and consciousnesses couldn't one or two or more of them make their way to a higher level of consciousness in yourself and manifest themselves in a way which might cause us to view the person as insane?

Any pitfalls aside, there is a lot that can be learned and understood through our subconscious. It's like a gateway that allows us to tap into the universe and all of it's creative conscious. Our body naturally taps into our subconscious and its like walking into a never ending hall full of mile high filing cabinets on either side. Now imagine the consciousness of the universe, which we in fact are a part of. That's pretty damn big. There is an amazing amount of knowledge at our finger tips if only we would open our minds and see the possibilities. Our subconscious taps into these resources without us even knowing. We should all make a habit of clearing ourselves of our daily distractions enough to be at one with everything more often.

I look forward to life. There is so much to learn and to share. I want to leave some sort of legacy to the world. I'm an explorer and it's my duty to report back what I find. Art is an easy way for me to express that.

2010-01-12T17:07:00.008-06:00

Realization #1 of tonight. I think because I'm such an intuitive person that sometimes the daily noises and distractions all around affect me more than others. It is tiring and detrimental to constantly be plugged in. I guess that's why I need my alone time to meditate and understand life through art of some sort. My personal break from life that I require to be happier. I do it to keep my sanity. I need to be able to clear my mind of everything and put my fists down and stop fighting life all the time. Letting go and living life and not just fighting to live it is what growing up is all about. I feel like it is engrained into the American psyche to constantly be surrounded by something even if it's only to hear your own voice far too often, day in and day out. All that extra effort and energy has gotten our young country into power and now it's dwindling, because that extra effort day in and day out is so tiring. And finally America is growing a little bit stagnant of its global power. It's like the consciousness of our country became extremely energized and now the battery is wearing out. We need to be reenergized. But, it's everybody. Every single person does it, or did it. I'm now fully understanding why it is that I enjoy discovering new music written both artistically and beautifully; discovering new philosophies or ways of the worlds, or a new movie, documentary, music videos, painting...it reenergizes me. It drives me through life. It gives me a break from the world that can sometimes be so suffocating with its walls and bars and presents me with something new and artistic. Art of the mind. Art is a sanity check. To realize the true world and see everything as it is and not as you think it is. It's what I enjoy more than anything else. Art. In many many different forms, but that's what it boils down to for me. Art. It requires you to live at a much more relaxed state of consciousness. We're overstimulated. It's the life I'm going to lead that will bring me a lot of openess and happiness, whatever form that may be. It's my destiny.

2010-01-12T17:04:00.001-06:00

I haven't watched some of these videos in a while. They're so good!

2010-01-12T16:55:00.003-06:00

I just realized that people who stomp when they walk fall when they walk. Walking to them is the act of falling and then abruptly catching themselves and then falling again and then catching themselves, etc. It's a constant downhill. I wonder why.

Hmmmm

2010-01-12T16:52:00.001-06:00

It's so good.

2010-01-08T19:32:00.005-06:00

I love music videos. I appreciate them because they involve sight and sound instead of just sound or just sight. It's like audible art. It is a compilation of artists (or just one) in acting, animation, lyric writing, performing, singing, dancing directing, fashion...all coming together to create a masterpiece. Fucking beautiful.

Watching music videos is one of my favorite past times. I've been watching VH1 since I was in 6th grade (back when they used to play music videos, not this "reality" TV drivel they've got going on) and there was always something I enjoyed about them. I think the coming together of many types of art really catches ahold of me. It's like collaging, only with video and sound...not just paper or drawing/painting mediums.

Anyway I've got a couple favorites posted right now, but there's a longer list below that.

Oh and PS actually listen/read the lyrics. Knowing what the song is saying (because believe it or not some songs do have something to say) is so important.

And this one I just found:

Other favorite music videos of mine:
"She Wolf" - Shakira
"Bad Romance" - Lady Gaga
"Hip Hop Police" - Chamillionaire
Every single music video made by the Norwegian indie/electronic/amazingness: Royksopp.
"Smile" - Lily Allen
"Half Asleep" - School of Seven Bells
"Svefn-g-englar" - Sigur Ros

At least as of fairly late. :)

2010-01-03T22:44:00.006-06:00

"Wilhelm was once in a remote Chinese village that was suffering from a severe drought. The villagers had invoked every king of prayer for rain, but nothing worked. In desperation they sent for a well-known rainmaker who lived in a distant area. Wilhelm was on hand when the rainmaker, a wizened old man, arrived in a covered cart. He alighted, sniffed the air with disdain, then asked for a cottage on the village outskirts. He gave instructions not to be disturbed, and that his food was to be left outside his door. Nobody saw or heard anything of him for three days. then the villagers awoke to a downpour of of rain mixed with snow, which was unheard of for that time of year.

Wilhelm was greatly impressed. He approached the old man, who was no longer in seclusion. "So you can make it rain?" he probed. Of course he couold not, the old man scoffed. "But there was the most persistent drought until you came." Wilhelm objected, "and then-within three days-it rains?" "Oh," the old man responded, "that was something quite different. You see, I come from a region where everything is in order, it rains when it should and is fine when that is needed, and the people also are in order and in themselves. But that was not the case with the people here, they were all out of Tao [the perfect way of nature] and out of themselves. I was at once infected when I arrived, so I had to be quite alone until I was once more in Tao and then naturally it rained!"

The villagers, the rainmaker explained, were trying to beat the climate into submission when they sould have been looking inside themselves.

"Just being," as the rainmaker realized, can outperform muscular, agressive action. The reward of inner quiet may be rain. It may be premonitions. It may be nothing at all-or everything." p. 393-395

This is an excerpt from the book I just finished, The Power of Premonitions. This story demonstrates how I have come to experience and understand life. I no longer view life as an overwhelming barage of uncontrolable events. I think before it was ingrained in me, that I was completely separate from and had no control over the world around me. And, in a sense, we don't have control, at least not in the same way that I can control a pencil, or control my fingers to tie my shoelaces. It's not so direct. Part of finding peace and openess in life comes from understanding that there is a connection but also a disconnection within all living and nonliving things.

There are events in my life which I am unable to control because I am not sole controler of the universe. But, it is up to me, to either allow myself to be negatively affected or to find the peace and understanding in such situations. It's a hard thing to describe, the feeling that I have, this connection I feel with everything around me. It is hard to describe, because it is a feeling and not a word, not an emotion, not a thought. It is pure feeling. A sort of universal connection that allows me to be at one with everything.

Ever since watching the movie, What the Bleep Do We Know I have been on this journey of self-exploration and enlightenment which has opened up my innerself so incredibly. It is this innerness that I can feel bursting outward and allowing everything to be ok. My life has never been happier. You could say that it has rained down peace and calm and happiness and joy and success and fulfillment upon me. I feel so much more at ease than I once did and it is because I now view life so much more openly.

2010-01-03T22:36:00.007-06:00

"So here's my advice for those who wish to be premonition-prone: court difference, variety, and ambiguity in your life. Relax and let go. Don't try too hard. Give up your pet ideas of how the world should work. Dabble in poetry; play with metaphors; shun literalism. Avoid habits, ruts and routines. Make a place for variety, risk, novelty, playfulness, generosity, and mystery in your life. As Rumi advises, 'Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment.' Don't be too attached to results, because this will lead to an attempt to control and manipulate outcomes, which is toxic to the openess and flexibility you are seeking. If you do these things, you will probably discover that the universe meets you more than halfway, perhaps with premonitions as its calling card." p. 404

"Cultivating premonitions involves cleansing our "doors of perception," as William Blake and Aldous Huxley advocated, enterting a state of awareness in which the world is accepted on its own terms. This requires paying attention to the tangle of events that arise in everyday life, without censoring, editing, or sorting our experiences according to what we think they ought to be." p. 402

These excerpts, again come from The Power of Premonitions. And again they show me so much truth in what I now understand. The inital thing that has really caused me to start shedding my old sheltered skin is the understanding that nothing is as you assume or imagine it to be. The beggining for me was learning about quantum physics and all of its oddities. Quantum physics is still such a mystery but there is a lot to be learned from it. I don't think that it will ever be completely solved but that, I beleive, is the nature of life. Nothing is everything and everything is nothing. You cannot find a law or rule or finite principle that defines everything. It does not work that way and unfortunately that is a hard idea to grasp. In fact the very act of forming ideas and opinions about life is the act of defining it...which is impossible.

Life is like a puzzle. All of the many ideas, philosophies, religions, sciences, etc. etc. define life in their own unique way. The problem is that the individuals who make up any of these divisions all view their division as the only one and true way. It's like taking a 1000 piece puzzle, dismantling it, putting the pieces into a jar and then having 1000 people each take remove a piece. If I were to hold out my piece and tell you that mine was the only one and true picture, that it represented the entirety of the puzzle you would tell me I was wrong because you had your own piece which for you represented the entirety. Now, my piece is not wrong, but it becomes wrong when I view it as sole reality and expect that it is the only piece I will ever need.

The first move is to take a step back and look around at the many other people standing there with their own puzzle pieces. It does no good to stand there and denounce all other pieces because the mere fact that they are holding them makes them valid. Likewise ideas and philosophies in life are all valid. If an idea exists, it is a valid facet of life whether you deem it to be good or bad, it is still a truth. Once you can truly understand that there are many many more truths in life than the one you hold, but that they do not falsify your own truth, then you will begin to broaden your scope.

Soon you begin to see the connectedness between all things. "Oh my goodness, would you look at that. My puzzle piece fits perfectly together with her puzzle piece!" And so on and so forth. Soon, you begin to understand that there is a much larger picture than you first imagined. The second you begin to start defining ideas and philosophies, you create or discover a puzzle piece. But don't be fooled. Everytime you start to define new ideas and connecting them to others, you have not discovered the whole truth, but you are building a much more comprehensive idea of life. I think it is so important to find the truth and connectedness of everything because it allows for differences and variations to exist without feeling challenged.

Every time I feel negative about something or react in such a way that makes me feel uncomfortable, I try to make a conscious effort to stop and question: why? Why do I react negatively to this or that? I even question why I think something is good? What is good and bad really? I need to know valid reasonings behind these definitions. I do hold my own personal values as far as these two words go, but I have discovered them to be much looser terms than I did previously. Where before I might have viewed an obstacle in life as a nuisance and a pain in the ass, I may now see it as an adventure or even as a learning experience. The more you can train yourself to see things as an optimist instead of a pesimist, the happier you will be. Stop for a moment and think about how often you get irritated, or annoyed, angry, upset, irked, frustrated, stressed...why? Why does it happen? Do you always blaim others or things that happen in your life that you "can't control?" Snap out of it. You have complete control over how you view your life. Take the positive things and leave the negative and life will become much easier. But, you have to take complete control, because if you don't then nobody else will. You are your own savior.

Life is always speaking to you. Since opening myself up, I experience premonitions quite often now. I see the ways in which life speaks to me every day and every second. It is easy to overlook when we assume that nothing is there. Any time I experience a moment of inspiration or a premonition or anything else "unusual", I understand that I am opening myself up to a more complete and happy life. Life does not exist to make you miserable unless that is where you take it (even if unconsciously). This is why it is important to consciously make of your life what you want. And I guarantee that deciding to make lots and lots of money to be happy will never satiate your thirst. This is not what I am saying you should do. Money is a material illusion. You can not create a happy and fulfilling life on material illusions. Material illusions can, however, help you to achieve a happy life. They are perhaps a means, but by no means an end.

I am an artist (and philosopher, writer, thinker). The happiest I can imagine being in life, is to be happily in love, painting, drawing, sculpting, writing, creating whatever it is I feel compelled to create in the moment, and being able to do it without a hitch or without worrying how much money I have in my pocket. If I can achieve that in my life (which I will) then I will be complete. I do not need a zillion dollars, but if it comes my way, I will not turn it down. Right intentions will get you everywhere and everything in life, but first as the quotes above say, you have to allow things to just be. Be an impartial viewer of universe and stop viewing things through your bias-tinted sunglasses. It's hard to understand until you remove them, but everything you experience in life is tinted by your own experiences. You have to remove those glasses to try and understand the broader picture. Once that is done everything will come your way.

2010-01-03T22:33:00.002-06:00

This show is so extertaining.

It.

2010-01-02T00:29:00.002-06:00

It is great because it expands your mind and it shows you so many avenues. It is easy to become overwhelmed with it and use it as the sole means to your expansion. It doesn't work that way. You must take control of it. You must use it as practice towards what you want. It will become natural, but give it time.

2010-01-01T14:57:00.003-06:00

I started off this blog a year ago thinking I would fail to keep it up to date. And, it started out that way for sure, but I've gotten better as the year progressed. I just think it's important for nurturing a creative mind to keep its productivity at a constant rate. The easiest way to do that and not to lose any old ideas is to get it out and down somewhere solid that can be accessed at another time. That's one of the reasons I really love journals. I'm not a big fan of handwriting and I can type so much quicker that an electronic journal is always favorable to me over a handwritten one. I do keep a small one in my bag everywhere I go with me though, just in case the occasion arises and I feel the need to write or jot down a note. It's very handy.

This past year seems to have been somewhat of a dump for most people but I, personally, have had a wonderful year. The beginning of the year was all over the place, but the rest has more than made up for anything that may have been looked at as a downer. I have grown more over the past year than I have in any other year of my life. There were many many factors, all of which would take too long to go into (perhaps someday) but needless to say I have been growing, changing, maturing and my artistic side is blossoming as well.

I can't wait to be out of school to really be able to pursue my career as an artist, but until then I am very much enjoying school. The new semester starts in 3 days and I can't wait to get back to work and try out some new ideas I have.

2009 was great, but I look forward to making 2010 even better. Part of my new philosophy and outlook on life is to make conscious choices about my life to keep in going in a direction that keeps me happiest...I would even venture to say that I am training my unconscious the same thing as well and all I can say is that it works. My life has never been happier.

2009-12-31T18:51:00.003-06:00

I keep dreaming about my high school class mates. Allyce Puckett has come up two nights in a row.

2009-12-31T11:36:00.003-06:00

I just bought this jar of "crystal" buttons for $3.50 at this amazing store called, A New Leaf at Wells and Lincoln.

I bought some fishing line as well. I want to make a sheet of them to maybe hang on my desk unit behind my computer...like a crystal curtain. I'd love to have enough to make curtains or a blinder for my bedroom window. These are not clear all the way through though. When I am able to afford real crystals...then I'll make my curtains...and it will be amazing.

THE BIG MERGER!

2009-12-28T23:28:00.002-06:00

Here ye, Here ye, I will now commence an incorporation of my personal website: dustinyoder.com and my blog. I don't write about my art enough in my blog so now it will not only be my daily musings on life but it will be an update on my life in art as well.

There shall be pictures.

2009-12-27T23:28:00.002-06:00

I saw the movie, "Nine" tonight. It's the first movie I've seen in theaters in a while that I found artistically great. It wasn't just pretty. The buzz around the country right now would be over the new movie, "Avatar" which is arguably only visually stunning and nothing more. I dislike the cheapness that Hollywood spews forth. Make something pretty enough and Americans become hypnotized into submission. There is more than pretty in this world, at least the kind of pretty that means nothing. I saw amazing beauty in the filming, directing, writing, acting, costuming...etc in the movie, "Nine". I yearn for movies like it. And just to clarify, by "Nine" I mean the musical, not the digitally created movie, "9".

I wish that there was more of a buzz about this movie, because it moved me. It was a movie about a director and his art. I can relate.

2009-12-27T17:59:00.002-06:00

"We must live before we can attain to either intelligence or control at all. We must sleep if we are not to find ourselves, at death, helplessly strange to the new conditions. And we must die before we can hope to advance to a broader understanding." ~John William Dunne

2009-12-26T21:17:00.004-06:00

"Kids"
MGMT

You were a child,
crawlin' on your knees toward it.
Makin' mama so proud,
but your voice was too loud.

We like to watch you laughing.
You pick the insects off plants.
No time to think of consequences.

Control yourself.
Take only what you need from it.
A family of trees wantin',
To be haunted.

Control yourself.
Take only what you need from it.
A family of trees wantin',
To be haunted.

The water is warm,
but its sending me shivers.
A baby is born,
crying out for attention.
Memories fade,
like looking through a fogged mirror
Decisions to decisions are made and not fought
But I thought,
this wouldn't hurt a lot.
I guess not.

Control yourself.
Take only what you need from it.
A family of trees wantin',
To be haunted.

Control yourself.
Take only what you need from it.
A family of trees wantin',
To be haunted.

Control yourself.
Take only what you need from it.
A family of trees wantin',
To be haunted.

Control yourself.
Take only what you need from it.
A family of trees wantin',
To be haunted.

Control yourself.
Take only what you need from it.
A family of trees wantin',
To be haunted.